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Collimatrix's Terrible Music Thread

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On the same vein as some of my earlier posts. I present to you Charley Pride.

 

His cover Kawligah is the best cover of the song (no offense to HW Sr.).

 

Ditto with Mountain of Love which brings a little bit of Soul to a rockabilly tune.

 

Obviously his signature tune.

 

 

 

 

Country and Western music can be good again. It just needs the right influx of talent.

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I'll occasionally throw some opera or calypso or whatever in a laughably thin attempt to throw people off the scent, but this thread is about American rock music (or rock music from any of America's musically-talented provinces, like the UK) and its spiritual and cultural implications, since I'm too uneducated to actually discuss music theory and high aesthetics.  There, I've been outed for the fraud I am.  Are you happy?

 

Rock music channels the simple, reptilian drives of aggression and lust.  It doesn't even need lyrics to do this:

 

 

This song was banned despite being an instrumental.  It's just that evocative of the urge to strut, fight and fuck that moral busybodies thought it might damage the fabric of society in 1950's America.  Of course, the complete society fabric of 1950's America was gleefully set on fire 10-15 years afterward.  I guess they tried?

 

Eventually all the madness and whatnot settled down, and the 1980s happened.  By then it was OK to sing about sex on the radio.  Also, there was post-punk.

 

 

Post-punk, and its estranged cousin Oi! recognizes a very important fact that many people fail to ever learn; the sexual act is often not aesthetically pleasing.

 

Frank Herbert described it charitably in his noir junkie memoir Dune; "the tender indignities of physical love."  It's worse than that.  Porno rags, Playboy being the worst offender here, sell this idea that if you're rich and cultured then the sex drive will somehow stop ruining with your life.  Eunuchs grow tall and serene.  That sex drive is diverting your life energy and distracting you.

 

Actually, the secret to Playboy's success was that it didn't sell sex.  It sold the idea of sex.  Most people are lucky if they can look good with really nice clothes on.  Models are blessed to look good with skimpy clothes on.  Nobody looks good when they're having sex except dragonflies.  Sex is messy, awkward and ugly.  The kinematics of it are all kinds of uncomfortable, and genitals are these veiny, wrinkled things that change color and start oozing when aroused.  It's exciting, but it's a frankly disturbing and profoundly un-aesthetic experience that, once over, leaves you with the overwhelming urge to get a shower and wipe your browser history.

 

Post-punk understands this.  Post-punk gets that sex is a consuming distraction, frankly dirty and disgusting and it would be nice if we could somehow not to deal with it.  Smiths' vocalist Morrissey explicated this the clearest, being an avowed asexual.

 

Romeo Void never really transcended one-hit-wonder status, but they clearly got it.  Radio-friendly poppy chorus about casual sex, lyrics about how grimy everything is.  Spot on.

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I'll occasionally throw some opera or calypso or whatever in a laughably thin attempt to throw people off the scent, but this thread is about American rock music (or rock music from any of America's musically-talented provinces, like the UK) and its spiritual and cultural implications, since I'm too uneducated to actually discuss music theory and high aesthetics.  There, I've been outed for the fraud I am.  Are you happy?

 

Rock music channels the simple, reptilian drives of aggression and lust.  It doesn't even need lyrics to do this:

 

 

Yes. But what is Rock and Roll music? What is Country and Western music? They are both one and the same, leaping from the same well spring of American consciousness, born in the Appalachians from the same Blue Grass parent, tempered with Black jazz and gospel revivals, reared in the juke joints and road houses of nameless American byways and finally nurtured by the same record companies and producers who discovered artists like Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash.

 

The first true Rock and Roll song was "Rock Around the Clock" performed by Bill Haley & His Comets who was originally a Texas Swing and Western Yodeler performing in such bands as The Four Aces of Western Swing.

 

 

So intertwined are the two that an individual term for the genre of music, rockabilly, was coined to describe the combination with singers like Carl Perkins and Jerry Lee Lewis representing the style.

 

 

Perkins would have his songs covered by numerous rock and roll acts including The Beatles. 

 

The distinctive sound of Southern Rock is an offshoot of the rockabilly era of the 1950s and early 1960s with well known bands like Creedence Clearwater Revival, Lynyrd Skynard, .38 Special, The Georgia Satellites and the Doobie Brothers appealing to both Rock and Roll and Country and Western lovers.

 

Lastly, so many rock and country artists have crossed over between the two genres that there is little reason to try to differentiate between the two. As my final examples. Here is Kenny Rogers and the First Edition performing the psychedelic "Just Dropped In".

 

 

On the flipside, we have former rock and rollers Ricky Nelson's paeon about the reception he received from ungrateful hippies when he sang a country song at a rock and roll reunion concert.

 

 

The morale of this story? Don't be a hippy. Love Rock and Roll and Country and Western.

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Halestorm is my current Most Hated Band. Seriously, this band is awful. But we'll get into that.

First, does anybody remember Hinder? I do. I hate them, too. Let's listen to a couple of their songs. Pay close attention to the raspy vocals, the melodies, and the lyrics:

 

We can tell that Austin Winkler (what an unfortunate name...) is someone who enjoys the coarser things in life. Does anyone even entertain the idea that his songs are not autobiographical? He is addicted to sex, drugs, and rock and roll, that's for sure. Maybe there's another side to him, though?



Well, that song managed to be creepy (and still awful), but it was at least a ballad this time. Also, the faces he makes in that video are hilarious, seriously:

 

DcyiJep.png

w8OBPYV.png

 

Overall, though, it's sort of more Three Doors Down prole-rock bullshit, but this time the lead singer has a raspy voice because he smokes a carton before every show. 

Now, Halestorm:



Oh, it's Hinder with a female lead vocalist. Actually, by my estimation, it doesn't even rise that high. See, so far as I can tell, Halestorm hasn't released any ballads. In fact, all of their songs appear to be derivative of "Get Stoned". So they are a copy of literally one song from a one-hit-wonder pop-rock band, with a genderbent lead. Better, they're not even a copy of that band's greatest hit:

 

 



But the funniest part of all this, to me, is Lizzy Hale herself (oh, yeah, so "Halestorm" is like "The Beatles" except replace the pun with narcissism). First, consider the persona she's chosen (or perhaps was born into, judging by her FAS-esque facial structure): A coked-up bar slut who services the local biker gang. This explains why they have no Hinder-esque regret-filled ballads (well, that I know of anyway); after all, coked-up sluts don't feel regret - that's why coke was invented. This persona is a natural consequence of genderbending Austin Winkler, as the characteristics that seem deep or rough on a man tend to seem slutty on a woman. 

What's amazing about all this, though, is how packaged it all is. Lizzy Hale in the video below seems almost shrink-wrapped, for how bland and boring they've made what should have been an excitingly disgusting barfly character:

 



She doesn't even seem to be giving it any effort. Yeah, OK, let's shoot the video, I have to go get my nails done.

Oh, and the music is garbage. But since you've sat through three of their videos, you don't need me to tell you that.

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People give Grace Under Pressure a lot of shit for some reason.

 

Also, dat special effects

 

If one must post RUSH songs, it had better be about trees or their Opus about being a middle school boy who reads a lot of fantasy fiction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

help, I'm trapped in the early 1980s

 

U2 benefited from having a lead singer who was the third most talented celebrity by the name of Bono, lagging behind former San Francisco 49er and Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Steve Bono and rock and roll pioneer, songwriter, Scooby Doo guest celebrity, Congressman, skiing enthusiast and victim of Illuminati assassins Sonny Bono.

 

Never forget!

 

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Studio Killers is a wonderful band that Sturgeon clued me on to, and in turn he picked it up from SATW.

 

Why Humon, the author of SATW likes Studio Killers I can only guess.  Humon is sex-positive, and Studio Killers set Theodore Dalrymple essays to a dance beat.

 

 

Seriously; read this signature essay by the great man himself, and then try to write a snappy synth-heavy club tune and you will get exactly the result above every time.  I can't explain it, but it exactly reproducible to within the limits of experimental error every time.  It must be some sort of universal constant.

 

 

Somewhat similar to the Arctic Monkeys, Studio Killers is dance music that takes an unflinching and honest look at dance club culture.  Dance club culture is basically Hobbesian, but for some reason you have to pay to get into it.  Why would anyone celebrate this?  Why is it so alluring?

 

It is what Freud called the death-instinct, Thanatos, but on a societal level.  The center cannot hold.  Things fall apart.

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[Halestorm is bad m'kay?]

 

Having seen Halestorm live a few years ago, they're not bad live. Hell, I even liked a number of songs off of the first album, despite it being much more pop than I usually listen to. But their second album was abysmal and had nothing really interesting on it at all. The third album is even worse than the second, which is actually quite impressive in its own way. The truly sad thing of all of this is that Halestorm's cover of Skid Row's Slave to the Grind was actually pretty damn good in my opinion, and Lzzy Hale (yes, that's actually how her name is spelled. Because reasons.) would have been perfect as the new singer of Skid Row since they got rid of Johnny Solinger and won't bring back Sebastian Bach. Instead Skid Row went with Tony Harnell formerly (several times now) of TNT, who while a phenomenal singer and much better than Sebastian Bach and Johnny Solinger could ever hope to be, is most definitely taking a step back career wise with this decision. I don't know, I keep hoping Halestorm will get better eventually, but all they've done is get worse.

 

help, I'm trapped in the early 1980s

 

You're acting like this is a bad thing.

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Is there some secret Music Illuminati that reaches out and grasps decent bands in their metaphorical fists, and then crushes them until they're absolutely dull mass market shit?

Is this like how MBAs keep ruining my favorite restaurants?

 

Safe is the great enemy of the worthwhile and interesting.

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OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT

Is there some secret Music Illuminati that reaches out and grasps decent bands in their metaphorical fists, and then crushes them until they're absolutely dull mass market shit?

Is this like how MBAs keep ruining my favorite restaurants?

 

Pretty much. Halestorm used to be a local Pennsylvania band that played their asses off until somewhere along the line they became famous. After the first album, it all went downhill, where literally the best thing they've done since the first album were covers of the aforementioned Skid Row song Slave to the Grind, and Guns 'N' Roses', Out Ta Get Me.

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