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Watched Minions the other day with a friend.

Despicable Me was much better.

 

Lets take all the relatable characters and heart-felt writing out for slapstick meme comedy

 

That totally wont get old after 5 minutes !

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So we've got a bunch of projects coming out of the US film/TV industry that are obviously designed to cater to the Tumblr/SJW market (examples: Steven Universe, Gen Zed, the genderbent Ghostbusters movie). My expectation is that these will do OK as long as they stick to trying to appeal to nerds, but in the case of the Ghostbusters movie in general they will struggle to appeal to general audiences.

Discuss.

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Related: Me wanting to slice my eyelids off with a tuna can lid, and then rip my eyeballs out with a corkscrew:

Meh, the production values on that look one small notch above your typical flash video.

Leave the eyeball removal for something less obviously built around a shoestring budget. Or, you know, this:

https://youtu.be/i59__qZDR4k

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1441823186288.jpg

Imagine being Ewan in that scene and having to be all like "damn, Zam Wessel, you fuckin' fine, all sexy with your tight body and horrific androgynous monster face. I would totally have sex with you, both my character and the real me." when all he really wants to do is fuck another 16 year old in his dressing room. Like seriously imagine having to be Ewan and not only sit in the middle of that alley while Zam Wessel flaunts her disgusting body in front of you, the favorable lighting barely concealing her stretchmarks and leathery skin, and just sit there, take after take, hour after hour, while she perfected that dance. Not only having to tolerate her monstrous fucking visage but her haughty attitude as everyone on set tells her she's STILL GOT IT and DAMN, ZAM WESSEL LOOKS LIKE *THAT*?? because they're not the ones who have to sit there and watch her mannish fucking gremlin face contort into types of grimaces you didn't even know existed before that day. You've been fucking nothing but a healthy diet of blondes and supermodels and later alleged rape victims for your ENTIRE CAREER coming straight out of the boonies in Coruscant. You've never even seen anything this fucking disgusting before, and now you swear you can taste the sweat that's breaking out on her dimpled stomach as she sucks it in to writhe it suggestively at you, smugly assured that you are enjoying the opportunity to get paid to sit there and revel in her "statuesque (for that is what she calls herself)" beauty, the beauty she worked so hard for with personal trainers in the previous months. And then the director calls for another take, and you know you could kill every single person in this room before the studio security could put you down, but you sit there and endure, because you're fucking Ewan. You're not going to lose your future political career over this. Just bear it. Hide your face and bear it.

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cia.png

 

Imagine being CIA in that scene and having to be all like "damn, Bane, you fuckin' big, all sexy with your ripped body and horrific disfigured monster face. I would totally call you in, both my character and the real me." when all he really wants to do is interrogate another muslim in his dressing room. Like seriously imagine having to be CIA and not only stand in the aisle while Bane flaunts his disgustingly ripped body in front of you, the favorable lighting barely concealing his veins and sweaty skin, and just stand there, take after take, hour after hour, while he perfected that line. Not only having to tolerate his monstrous fucking visage but his haughty attitude as everyone on set tells him he's STILL GOT IT and DAMN, BANE LOOKS LIKE *THAT*?? because they're not the ones who have to sit there and watch his intimidating fucking ripped face repeat the same lines over and over. You've been interrogating nothing but a healthy diet of muslims and blacks and later alleged torture victim for your ENTIRE CAREER coming straight out of the backwoods in Missouri. You've never even seen anything this fucking ripped before, and now you swear you can taste the sweat that's breaking out on his dimpled abs as he sucks it in to writhe it suggestively at you, smugly assured that you are enjoying the opportunity to get paid to stand there and revel in his "statuesque (for that is what he calls himself)" flexing, the ripped body he worked so hard for with personal trainers in the previous months. And then the director calls for another take, and you know you could kill every single person in this plane before Bane's Henchmen could put you down, but you sit there and endure, because you're fucking CIA. You're not going to lose your future agency career over this. Just bear it. Hide your face and bear it.

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What a bunch of twaddle. Hurr durr, these scenes are kind of alike, see Ewan McGregor and Mark Hamill both have their mouths open!

 

Hidden artistry my ass.

 

You know what George Lucas did? He watched a lot of old sci fi serials, westerns and war movies at the movie theater as a kid and incorporated them into Star Wars. That's why the original trilogy was good.

 

The title crawl is copied straight from the old 1930s Flash Gordon serial which was in itself based on the very text heavy King Features comic strips which were popular at the time. In fact a lot of the scenes and action scenarios were lifted. Just troll through the old series on YouTube and you'll see.

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I actually think it would be even more depressing if he put all this effort into the prequels only to have them suck.

Can you imagine going to such obscene lengths to code your new films with a unifying plot scheme so involuted that only one dude ever cottoned on to it? And then still have all three suck a big old bag of dicks?

Fuck, I'd call it a day and sell my rights to the highest bidder too.

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