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Sturgeon

The Single Most Evident Sign Of Our Culture's Decline And Impending Fall

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I have fond memories of playing "wall-ball", which was banned for some reason during my elementary tenure. Oh, and 4-Square which wasn't banned but many kids ended up with bloody knees and the game would end in a yelling contest. 

We called that Red Ass.  We played whenever there wasn't a teacher around.

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Per everyone else...

 

We had "Smear the Queer" only we were banned from playing "Smear the Queer" so we modified it to "Smear the Clear" because learning how to work around pointless rules imposed by authority figures is one of the most important things a kid can learn in school. Not sure how others played it, but essentially it is like football or rugby where one person has the ball and is supposed to carry it to an endzone while the rest of the boys (and tough girls) will tackle said person. Once tackled, the ball gets tossed up in the air and a scrum occurs whereupon whoever gains possession of the ball repeats the process. 

 

We had Ball Wall and Four Square along with that ball thing on a pole, whatever that was called where the goal was to hit it in such away that it whacks one of the other kids in the head.

 

We called Dodgeball "Soak'em" for some reason because that's what the teacher's and our parents called it. I'm assuming it's a regional Pacific Northwest thing. The game teaches bravery and self sacrifice as well as teamwork and plausible deniability since we weren't supposed to aim for the heads of the opponents but if some kid was hit in the head by accident, this was OK. This understanding the psychology of the PE teacher while being just enough of a goody-two shoe to get away with it but not too much of a teacher's pet as to make the PE teacher think you're a whiny pussy.

 

We played tag and variations thereof. (Freeze tag, Zombie tag etc). But mostly we played tag on the playground equipment. Big toys, rainbow juggle gym, etc. Essentially we'd be running around at full speed on the Big Toy trying to evade capture or tag someone any where from five to ten feet off the ground. If you fell off or touched the ground you also became "It" or broke an arm or busted open your head. This taught us bravery, coordination and not to fall off and break our arms or bust open our heads.

 

Finally my gang conducted paramilitary exercises during elementary school where we'd play war in preparation for repelling Soviet invasion "Red Dawn" style and if I had stayed in the Highline School District, my high school mascot would have been the Wolverines. Since there were no Russkies to kill with the firearms that we planned to steal from our parents, we made do with honing our craft against the next possible threat. Girls. I'm not sure how this came about, but we were certain that the Girls were up to no good and it was important to spy on them. This involved a complex process of planning, decoys, code breaking and espionage. I was Second in Command of my gang and it was my job to come up with making the plans, codes etc. whereas my best friend Mark was the Leader because he said he was the leader and he personally led the attacks. 

 

The climax of the war came one day in fifth grade when I came up with the ultimate plan to spy on the Girls, get their information and something something get them in trouble. The danger was that in my elementary school, the girls were either faster than us or bigger than us. We had a number of Samoan chicks who would whip the tar out of us if caught. The fast gals would catch us and hold us long enough for the Samoan girls to finish us off.

 

After 30+ years, I forget all the details. But it involved distracting the playground teacher with one part of our gang while the rest made the main attack. The genius was that we'd conduct our raid during the end of the lunch time recess and then we'd all book it back to class ten minutes early. Our fifth grade teacher ate lunch with his wife the music teacher in our classroom so if we outran the girls and got to class, we'd be safe. A quick note. Our classrooms had double doors that led to a sort of foyer 10X10 which acted as a coat room. I still think treachery was afoot because my plan went off flawlessly, all ten of us booked it to the foyer of our classroom and we would have made it inside were it not for the fact that the door to the classroom was locked. Trapped like rats, the girls kept the outer doors shut until the Samoan girls arrived. While most of my friends cowered in the corner, I bravely stood my ground at the outer doors. When they finally opened to let the Samoan girls in, I took one look at the fear stricken faces of my comrades... And slipped out, somehow evading their grasp.

 

That day I learned just because I made the plan that failed, didn't mean that I had to die because of it so long as there were others there to take the fall.

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In an effort to make every thread at SH about gun control...

 

Hundreds of students at the University of Texas at Austin will protest a new law that will allow more guns on campus not with signs or sit-ins, but by "strapping gigantic swinging dildos to our backpacks."

Their mantra? #CocksNotGlocks

"'You're carrying a gun to class? Yeah well I'm carrying a HUGE DILDO,'" Jin says in the group's description. "Just about as effective at protecting us from sociopathic shooters, but much safer for recreational play."

Good thing there isn't a college rape culture where having women carrying sex toys can be misconstrued.

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Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

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Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy says it will no longer print images of nude women

Playboy still exists?

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I get having different breeds of dogs, be they hunting dogs, guard dogs, rat killing terriers or what have you. But a kitty cat is a kitty cat and just go down to the humane society or pickup a kitten from the folks who are parked in front of the grocery store.

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Colli and I used to have a dog that I consider to be the pinnacle of canines. He was a Border Collie/Australian Shepard mix who was smart, protective, loyal, and had two differently colored eyes. Colli named him "Shinden" after the Kyushu J7W Shinden aircraft, but I always called him Shinny. He would follow me and my siblings, particularly my sister around and would growl at strangers passing by in an effort to keep us safe. He lived to be quite old, as I recall, 16 or 17, and was blind and deaf for his last few years. I was maybe 4 or 5 when he died, I do not know how old Colli was when he got him.

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