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  1. A true fact that some of you may not know about me is that when I was a baby I was exposed on a hill to die because of a prophecy about me growing up to be a mother raper/father stabber or something. Anyway, a pack of roving hippies eventually found me, but by the time they did I was so covered in filth that they accepted me as one of their own. Thus, I was raised by hippies. As a result, I know the words to Alice's Restaurant by heart. I was forced to memorize them, much as kids in madrassa are forced to memorize hadith. A true fact that all of you definitely know about me is that I hate hippies with a passion so intense that it transcends mere chemical combustion, and in fact causes most of the molecules caught up in it to dissociate into plasma and occasionally undergo fusion. However, I still listen to Alice's Restaurant on most Thanksgivings. Call it tradition. This, of course, is a song from a different time. Being shipped off to potentially die in Vietnam was a major issue of contention. The military accepts homosexuals now (go to 15:12), even open ones now that DADT is gone. This was the period when the hippies were ascendant; cities burned, and the rotten bastards didn't even bother hiding their traitorous leanings. "We're all Viet Cong now," said notorious hippie Tom Hayden (who would later go on to be a member of the California Senate). The hippies didn't go away; they actually took over the entire country, and then became middle aged and somewhat more circumspect. Saint Nixon ran his Southern Strategy, which would permanently sunder the alliance between rednecks and hippies (Yes, there was one. Look up Arlo's father, Woodie Guthrie if you don't believe me), abolished the draft, and then died for your sins. Arlo Guthrie became a Libertarian. There will be no revolution. The hippies blew their chance. The only step left is the long, slow slide into irrelevance. So, go see your family, have a Thanksgiving dinner that can't be beat, at least for as long as food can be had outside a bread line, and go to sleep and don't get up until the next morning.
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