Jump to content
Please support this forum by joining the SH Patreon ×
Sturgeon's House

Collimatrix's Terrible Music Thread


Recommended Posts

Reggae music is awful.  Everything the Nazis said about jazz; about it being the degenerate art form of a useless culture, is true about reggae.  Rocksteady and ska are far worthier, but if you wander a bit afield from Jamaica, you'll hit Trinidad which has steelpan and calypso, which are better still.


Yes, yes, ska is associated the American mind with The Clash and therefore heroin use, which is definitely a reliable indicator of artistic integrity.  But let's be honest; The Clash were kinda a bunch of whiny kids who sang about things that appealed to other whiny kids.


So, calypso music.  My favorite is Lord Invader:



Link to comment
Share on other sites

No discussion of terrible South African music is complete without Die Antwoord.



And no discussion about Die Antwoord is complete without mentioning that they used to be Max normal (amongst, like, a million side projects)





I remember listening to Songs From the Mall and going 'oh hey, that's a ghost in the shell reference'.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


I really like Liz Phair.  I realize that this is not an intellectually defensible position, so I will not attempt to intellectually defend it.  Instead I will attempt to explain to the younger members of this forum, like T__A who will soon be going through puberty, the regrettable chain of events that caused me to end up a broken and bitter man who worships Satan and hates freedom.


Rock and Roll is America's ultimate weapon, though that's mostly because we're pussies about using nukes.



I never got to listen to '90s rock as it was happening because I was still in hippie indoctrination camp; memorizing the Woodstock band lineup and reading long passages of Timothy Leary.  They were planning to use us kids as weapons; put us in suicide vests filled with LSD and have us pretend to be boyscouts selling charity magazine subscriptions at the FDIC's offices.  They'd never know what hit them; they'd soon be dropping out, tuning in and turning on, and all of us little martyrs would be time-warped back to 1968 and be given seventy two not-quite-virgins.  Or that's what they told us.


What they didn't tell us, and what they couldn't have possibly known, was that the jihad was over.  The hippies won.  Hippies actually conquered the world in 1994, the year of the death of Saint Nixon, and they ran pretty much the entire damn thing before then.


The complete victory of hippies over humanity meant that the great wellspring of Satanic magic that they ran on went dry.  The hippie infection needs new hosts to remain vital; its total victory meant that there was no fresh blood for them to suck.  What they didn't tell us kids in hippie indoctrination camp, as we prepared for our one-way mission to stick it to The Man, was that Rock and Roll didn't work anymore.  Drugs don't work anymore.  Love-ins don't work anymore.


'90s rock was the last, desperate attempt to squeeze a few drops out of Rock and Roll, although by that time it was just called Rock.  It didn't work.  Nothing worked anymore.  That's what happens when hippies conquer the world.  We learned that anyone who works for the government, far from being scandalized and overwhelmed by the experience of LSD, is bored of it because all federal workers have a generous LSD stipend thanks to the Civil Service Reform Act of 1992 (one of Clinton's more deft maneuvers).  We were equally surprised to learn that LSD can't actually send you back in time to 1968.  In fact, much to the dismay of hippies, literally nothing can send you back to 1968.  That's all they want.  That they cannot have.  Time moves in one direction only, and that is towards the grim darkness of the future.


So yeah, indie rock and alt rock are sort of like the shitty, half-assed meth they blow up trailer parks trying to cook when they can't get the real stuff that's made industrially in Mexico.  Only imagine that Mexico has been overrun with vampire hippies who have started eating the topsoil, so Mexico doesn't exist anymore, and the vampires are starting to migrate North but you really really need some meth.


It may surprise some readers to learn that twenty-one years ago, lady rockers with a tough stage persona who were in charge of their own sexuality were something of a novelty, as opposed to being a prerequisite like it is today.  Or something.  Puberty was confusing, but I distinctly recall it involving vampire hippies coming after our topsoil, and a beautiful night on the East Coast with my then girlfriend at a Liz Phair concert.


So that's why, when you are a young man, you must chose what jihad you get involved with carefully.  Shop around; go to more than one terrorist training camp before you commit yourself.  Consider your options.  You're still young.  You don't need to commit just yet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, Priory, that was terrible.


Alright, this will be a two-parter, and unlike last time, I shall endeavor not to have the shade of Hunter S. Thompson possess me.


I think I sold Fats Waller short with the clip I posted.  The quality on this one isn't as good, but it's a better display of what a phenomenal piano player he was:



If you can get ahold of a Fats Waller collection, do so.  He was really something.


Part 2:  Shit I listen to because I hate beauty and truth


This is Aberdeen; an exemplar of the genre of "twee pop."  I can make no apologies.  The sickness is within me.  It is too late.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

While we're linking stuff from bands making bad music in genres they don't belong in, have the only universally liked song from The Smashing Pumpkins' Adore:



I won't blame you if you tab away from the video.


EDIT: Oh god I listened to the album. There are only three good songs on it. They're in the first four songs of the album, conveniently enough. And I actually like a decent amount of goffik music.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The subject of Eurovision came up in one of The_Chieftain's streams.  This is the only Eurovision winner worth listening to:



Lordi is KISS on steroids.  They've taken camp so far that they've come around full circle and made it into fine art.  How in fuck they play in those costumes I don't know, but they do.  They also take interviews and go shopping in them.




At this point in history, a band like Lordi is essentially a nostalgic art form.  Perhaps even a form of reenactment.  Parents in the 1970s were scared of KISS, Black Sabbath and similar acts and rightly so.  Rock is a purely Satanic art form, although by the 1970s worrying about it was superfluous; Satan had long since won.


Lordi is great fun because the 1970s were much more fun than the 2010s.  The 1970s were the last great hurrah of mankind.  In addition to the moon rockets and wiping out smallpox and fast jets, there was this great cultural vitality (at least in the West) that is so long gone that we need things like Lordi to help remember it.  The 1970s had horror films that were actually scary, as opposed to just being uncomfortable.  The '70s had real fear and real fun.  The 2010s only knows how to be more extreme, more depraved and more boring because nobody knows how to have fun anymore and just wants to see if they can still feel.



Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...