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The terrible movies and reviews thread


Toxn
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Last night Mrs. The Captain and I watched "Admiral" or "Michiel de Ruyter" the Dutch film about the 17th Century Admiral and Dutch naval hero.

 

 

It was fairly enjoyable from a historical and action movie perspective. It being a foreign film, an American audience goer is often times too preoccupied to know whether the dialogue is delivered in a hokey manner because they're reading subtitles. And they had all kinds of naval battles where they got the names of the battles right, and in what order and basically how the fights kind of went down.

 

From what I can tell this movie is basically Braveheart for the Dutch. So Bronzehillet's e-Peen can rise turgid, tall and triumphant.

 

Like almost exactly. Instead of evil King Longshanks, we have evil King Charles II (played by Tywin Lannister) wanting to wipe out the Dutch because of MUWAHAHAHAHA!!! And instead of kilts we got scenes of Dutch being thrifty merchants and going about their lives as depicted in 17th Century Dutch masterpiece paintings. And the hero has to die in order to bring the country together and to get the wimpy monarch (Robert of Bruce/William of Orange) to grow a couple and start acting like a King.

 

Unlike Braveheart, the actor they chose to portray The Admiral actually kind of looks like him.

 

The director seemed to really dig using the same dramatic shot of a cannon ball hitting a ship which then - BOOM - tosses a luckless extra or cannon dramatically in the air in slow motion. The other shot favored by the director has the protagonist Admiral Ruyter standing upright while - BOOM - a cannon ball explodes just behind him sending a cloud of smoke and wood chips harmlessly past him.

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I have less of a problem with CGI as I do with shitty script writing and directing (much of which is the fault of studio execs.)  Lets not forget that plenty of terrible moves with terrible special effects existed long before CGI.  And while I admit that some of these old films have a certain camp appeal, they are not good.  I expect that in the not so near future, young people will be enjoying the terrible CGI films of today the same way we laugh at terrible B movies of the past.  

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A podcast looking at the complete shitshow that was the 2000 Dungeons and Dragons film.

 

The events leading to this film were a hilarious mess caused by greed and idiocy.

Interestingly, Dungeons and Dragons is available to watch in its entirety on youtube.  I guess the studios figured it was not worth filling a copyright complaint about.  I just watched the first five minutes and holy crap is it bad.  Hard to believe that this film came out only one year before the first Lord of the Rings film.  

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er4ys732Pm4

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I just watched Starship Troopers, and its good even with bad CGI. I think it would be worse if it had better CGI. 

I believe among the community, the general consensus is that when it had worse effects than #1 it was #2, and #2 was baaaaaaaaaaad(Effects being only part of it mind you).

 

 

#3 was passable for the fact that it actually retained continuity with the first, and #4 is fully CGI animated(direct-to-video, but I haven't seen anything particularly scathing about it since I saw it)

 

And then there's Roughnecks, which like Firefly is one of those shows that was yanked too soon.

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This guy is a retard.

 

The reason Gollum from the Two Towers is good is because the whole LOTR trilogy is pretty good (for the most part) since it followed the spirit of the books and had great - or at least decent - acting, a director who at the time still cared about getting the movies right and didn't treat the fans with contempt while shoving a vanity piece down their throats.

 

The reason why Yoda and JarJar from the Star Wars Prequels sucked wasn't because of the CGI. It was because of shitty writing that violated Star Wars canon, had lousy acting, crappy scripts and a director who thought he could just shit together any old thing and shove it in the faces of his fans.

 

Again, CGI isn't the problem. It's CGI in lieu of decent acting, directing and screenwriting. 

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This guy is a retard.

 

The reason Gollum from the Two Towers is good is because the whole LOTR trilogy is pretty good (for the most part) since it followed the spirit of the books and had great - or at least decent - acting, a director who at the time still cared about getting the movies right and didn't treat the fans with contempt while shoving a vanity piece down their throats.

 

The reason why Yoda and JarJar from the Star Wars Prequels sucked wasn't because of the CGI. It was because of shitty writing that violated Star Wars canon, had lousy acting, crappy scripts and a director who thought he could just shit together any old thing and shove it in the faces of his fans.

 

Again, CGI isn't the problem. It's CGI in lieu of decent acting, directing and screenwriting. 

Donward, are you implying that this scene is not the pinnacle of cinematic excellence?

 

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On the flight up between Seattle and Anchorage, Mrs. The Captain and I had the opportunity to watch Marvel's Dead Pool.

 

It sucked.

 

It sucked worse than the fifth Dirty Harry movie The Deadpool

 

To be fair, the first twenty or so minutes were somewhat clever. Haha. The character broke the Fourth Wall. Hahah. The character shot a bunch of henchmen in an elaborate manner. Haha. The character relies on sophomoric frat boy humor.

 

And the character relied on sophomoric frat boy humor.

 

And the character continued incessantly with the frat boy humor.

 

And the villains were third rate.

 

For a film that supposedly was a character driven departure from the standard comic book movie punch-em-and-explode-em fare, it turned out that Mr. Pool is an obnoxious git who can only appeal to basement dwelling Internet trolls.

 

Fuck that. I've got better things to do. And the current meta of comic book movies need to die a screaming death.

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