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A Compressed Exegesis of Star Wars


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Starting where Walter left off, I decided to summarize the major themes and events in all three Star Wars films:

 

Star Wars:  Star Wars works much better as a Civil War analogy than it does a WW2 one.  Luke Skywalker is an idealistic young boy from The South tattoine who leaves the plantation with his two slaves droid companions to join the Rebellion.  He is helped in his quest by a gentle and wise General Lee Obiwan Kenobi.  They enlist the aid of a smuggler who gets them past the Union blockade to Alderaan.  Unfortunately, General Sherman Darth Vader has Marched to the Sea destroyed Alderaan and Luke and his plucky companions have to come with a plan to stop the Union Army the Deathstar from burning Atlanta destroying the Rebel Base.  

 

The Empire Strikes Back:  This roman à clef is a turning point and touchstone of the Beat generation.  Han Solo, a thinly fictionalized Jack Kerouac, goes on a lengthy road trip across the Galaxy, seducing women he has no intention whatsoever of committing to.  Darth Vader, a literature professor, begins a long road trip of his own with Princess Leia after her mother dies in a freak accident.  In a jealous rage, he confronts Han and forces him to become a participant in his transhumanist cryonics experiment.  He then duels Luke Skywalker and mortally wounds him, only then finding out that he is his son.  He appeals to Emperor Palpatine for emergency medical aid that could save Luke, but the Emperor, fearing Luke, declines.  Luke Dies.

 

The Return of the Jedi:  Lukefried, the child that Luke and Leia conceived, has grown to manhood and is a powerful hero.  He learns the speech of birds and is betrothed to his aunt.  Darth Vader allows Lukefried to shatter his lightsaber, which is the source of all his artistic inspiration, as he no longer wishes to make sensible films and instead wishes to herald an age of crass commercialism and uninspired, CGI greenscreen.  Lukefried is killed by Ewoks, who have tricked him into forgetting his true love and marrying one of their own.  He is placed in his X-wing, which is set ablaze and sent into space.  The burning X-wing crashes into the second Death Star, which also catches on fire and crashes into the forest moon of Endor, which promptly also starts on fire, falling from orbit into Endor itself, which also catches on fire.  Everything burns, credits roll.  After the credits we are treated to a short clip in which The Ring has returned to the ownership of the Space Nixies.

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In the original trilogy we hear that Jedi Knights were the protectors of the Old Republic.  And yet, the first we see of them in The Phantom Menace, they're being dispatched to do trade negotiations.  This is a little weird; aren't they supposed to be psychic wizard combat monks?  Why would they know anything about general agreements on tariffs and deficits?

 

Well, you see, it's all a mis-translation. Jedi Knights are the protectionists of the Old Republic.  The Sith are supply-side laissez-faire Austrians, who are trying to put the hard-working Naboo out of a job by flooding the market with cheap, foreign-made space products.

 

This theme was elaborated in a scene that was later cut from Return of the Jedi:

 

Emperor Palpatine:  You are no match for the power of the Invisible Hand!

 

Luke:  Your overconfidence in the Law of Comparative Advantage is your weakness.

 

Emperor Palpatine:  Your faith in trade barriers is yours.

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  • 2 weeks later...

In the original trilogy we hear that Jedi Knights were the protectors of the Old Republic.  And yet, the first we see of them in The Phantom Menace, they're being dispatched to do trade negotiations.  This is a little weird; aren't they supposed to be psychic wizard combat monks?  Why would they know anything about general agreements on tariffs and deficits?

 

Well, you see, it's all a mis-translation. Jedi Knights are the protectionists of the Old Republic.  The Sith are supply-side laissez-faire Austrians, who are trying to put the hard-working Naboo out of a job by flooding the market with cheap, foreign-made space products.

 

This theme was elaborated in a scene that was later cut from Return of the Jedi:

 

Emperor Palpatine:  You are no match for the power of the Invisible Hand!

 

Luke:  Your overconfidence in the Law of Comparative Advantage is your weakness.

 

Emperor Palpatine:  Your faith in trade barriers is yours.

This isn't even a joke: episodes I to III make it canon.

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  • 5 months later...

I just realized what the prequels are about.  One of the objections Red Letter Media had to the Jedi wearing robes is that it makes no sense.  Ben Kenobi wore robes on Tatooine because the planet is located in North Africa where it's crazy hot.  Why would all the Jedi wear robes all the time?  Especially when other denizens of the galaxy are shown to wear all sorts of exotic, high-tech space clothing.

 

It all snaps into place if you think of the robes as an ostentatious show of poverty by the members of a religious organization that is collectively extremely powerful and rich.  That's right; the Jedi are Space Catholics.

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Of course the real reason for the robes is that Lucas liked Japanese samurai movies.

You get that Tied? Star Wars is pseudo Weaboo sci-fi!!!

Could be a reference to the Boshin War.

The Jedi (samurai loyal to the shogun) were purged after a short coup and several small battles. The new Sith order that dominated the empire (samurai loyal to the shogun) retained their old privileges, centralized power and modernized the army.

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Spouts off about Lucas and Co not being politically correct when it comes having American/Israeli actress Natalie Portman in a hairdo that is reminiscent of a Mongolian princess/Hopi Indian.

 

Then apologizes about not knowing if the aforementioned Mongolian princess is really Mongolian and if the Indian girl is really an Indian.

 

"ETA: I’m not sure if that first picture is actually Mongolian royal attire 100% because I’m not very familiar with the culture. I know it’s Mongolian but if anyone out there knows for sure it’s not royal attire, please let me know.

ETA: I changed NDN to Indigenous since I was informed the former is offensive. My apologies to those I unwittingly hurt."

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This should have been a tip-off:

"Sri Lankan. Femme. Iyawo. Omo Yemoja and Oshun. I can't talk about "Avatar: the Last Airbender" without crying. I ship Zutara with my soul but I also ship Kataang and this is a very VERY pro-Aang blog. Bonnie Bennett is my precious angel and darling muse and Klaus/Bonnie is my OTP (yes, I'm trash). I also post frequently and excitedly about cats."

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What is a Zutara ship?

 

A rhetorical device wherein the author attempts to invoke humour by dint of subverting expectations, only to have the intended audience be too autistic to get the freaking joke.

 

 

Follow-on to the Zumwalt, I think.

 

DDG 1005-1007

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  • 2 months later...

The Force Awakens:  The saga continues, with our protagonists, The Rebellion Space Hezbollah caught in a proxy war between The Republic Space Iran and The First Order Space Saudi Arabia.  These two great powers disagree about nearly everything, but at the root of it is the fundamental question is the succession to Emperor Palpatine (pbuh).  Imam Luke Skywalker has retreated into occultation, but a secret star map giving his location is rumored to exist, and is sought by agents of Snoke The Great Space Satan.  Space Hezbollah's best fighter pilot is on a desperate mission to retrieve this star map, and will receive help from a most unexpected source; a Space Saudi Arabian soldier who has overcome his conditioning acknowledged and acts in accordance with his Space Fitra.

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