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Sturgeon's House

Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen


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The Great Wall

   The Great wall is a politically-filled movie about 20 years old mexican trying to escape his personal nightmare of labor for local drug cartel's production of drugs to buy a medicine for his dying mother. But cartel refused to pay money and mother dies in a bed with our main hero holding her hand. He had enough! Now he must plot a way to leave cartel and cross the Trump wall!

   He managed to find a Hillary-supporter amongst Trump Wall securities, a young feminist who was drafted in Trump's America Defense Forces. They will make a plan to sneak a Mexican through the Wall, and by this our conscripted feminist will have her personal revenge against Donald Trump. But their plan failed before they could complete it as ADF extensive surveillance system cought them in a process. ADF took our heroes in secret Trump jail in Wyoming, where ADF collect all immigrants and force them to work for The Great America, a shocking revelation for our protagonists. 

   Will our heroes find a way out of this? They know that the only way is to defeat Trump's elite ADF "America First" unit and the dictator in exoskeleton himself, but they don't know that the real fight will be done far away from White House... that the final battle will take place in a old buildings surrounded by Red Walls against real master of Trump...

 

Guardians

   Guardians - another political-filled movie, only now it is a Russian film by highly respected Russian-Armenian director Sarik "Product Placement Whore" Andreasyan, a movie that was made in cooperation with The Great Wall makers, and tells an opposite story to The Great Wall.

   Hillary won elections and Trump is forced to leave a country, but he managed to take his wealth with him. Donald knows that the only place to go is Russia, to his real master, but Hillary is afraid that Trump will not leave this story for historians. US President knows that Trump will use his wealth to undermine her power over America and she decide to make her move - to declare a Trump as Most Wanted criminal and neo-nazi terrorist in a hope that political pressure will push Putin to send Donald back to US hands. But Russia refused. Hillary announced a limited military-police operation by a joint US-Saudi Arabia "Al-Americi" divisions to find a Trump in Russia, and CIA found him somwhere in St.Peterburg, a snowy and cold city hundreds of killometers north of Moscow. 

   US-Saudi army invades St.Peterburg through Estonia and Finland, trying to find a Trump in a big Russian city, a move that will destroy a city and anger many people of the City, amongst which we will find our main hero and cast of 7 grim realistic Russians partizans. Each of them lost their families to Saudi-US soldiers that now control streets of old city, driving Abrams tanks and constantly chanting "Hillariwi Akbar!" during church burnings and mass decapitation of Russians declared as Allakh-insulters, misogynists and gay rights deniers.  

   Our ragtag team of Russian partizans carry number of attacks on USaudi forces, earning a reputation of great fighters, destroying gear and mercilessly killing disgusting invaders. During one of their operation they found a clue where Donald is and join him as his personall Guardians, a move that in their view will be ultimate insult to Radical Wahabist Democrat invaders. But they know that this will be not enough... 

   They know that to end a great suffering of the city they must get to Hillary, and defeat giant Spider-tank driving US president in a battle in a secret bunkers under White House, and our heroes know that they have only a one way ticket in this suicidal missions against elite US-Saudi units, experimental democracy-spreading battle machines know as "Shai-SJW-Hulud" and plethora of even crazier creations of Abu Al-Clintoni Foundation scientists.

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  • 3 months later...

M. Night Shyamyadalailamadingdonggiveadogabone's tour de force return to the big screen, Split, is a powerful epic masterpiece of visual storytelling which uses a backdrop of a hybrid teen romance and thrilling detective mystery to convey an interwoven and integral moral message which hits like a freight train. From scene to scene as we follow the turbulent romances of Casey and the gripping story of Barry, one poignant message rises through it all reaching a crescendo at the climax: Don't use bird shot for self-defense.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Wonder Woman

   The Wonder Woman is next DC depressing movie about superheroes. This movie sets itself appart from Marvels movie by having unusual twist - superheroes in this film are actually a bad guys! In this universe Superman, Wonder woman and other powerful superheroes came to conclusion that they will never be able to save humanity, as main danger for it is humanity itself! Which led many of them to decide to establish super-dictatorship on humans, with very strict order, eugenics and genetical modification of human brains and bodies to make them obedient and futile.

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Superman in the film established his forces of mass-produced replica soldiers using alien tech to defeat humanity. Replicas were made out of Supermans fanboys using a lot of genetic enhancement

 

   Civil war between superheroes ended in favor of dictatorship-backers and now humanity is in deep trouble, as it will be transformed into slaves of some aliens and other strange humans wearing wacky colorful tight suits.

 

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Scene where Batman was found by Superman's Fanboys/Replica troopers in his hideout in Iraqi deserts

 

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Second model of Replica troopers were made with wings for fast clearing operations in remote places, this action scene is happening in early part of the movie

 

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Superman attacks last position of joint human forces in Northen America. Too much CGI with quick-cut editing makes this scene hard to follow

 

   After defeated humans in America obey to their new oppressors, other parts of world became aware of a superheroes plague that will overrun the whole world with their laser-firing eyes, tight suits and stupid actions scenes, living no place for real humans to live and breathe. Supervillians started to get into Europe and Africa, and this is where we meet our "hero" (actually a main antagonist) - Wonder woman, who lead supervillians attack on Euroasian continent.

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Gal Gadot as Wonder woman, scene takes places in ruins somewhere in France.

 

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A scene where Wonder Woman blows up some humans, to show that she is now a villian

 

   Authors of scenario of this movie have more interesting twists - according to flashbacks of one of characters in the movie, Russian president, Soviet communists are still alive and working hard on creating means of establishing communism somewhere in deep Siberian undeground bunkers.

 

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   They are creating a robot workforce that will make communist paradise a reality. Russian president contacts them via special bot in Kremlin's undeground facilities to coordinate their actions to clear the Earth from Superheroes plague.

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"Contactbot" that helps to speak with Siberian communists

 

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Red Square as portrayed in Wonder Woman.

 

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Robot guarding one of FSB building in Moscow

 

   Communists proposal of using mass-producable drones to fight with Superman's Replicas and special robots to defeat each supervillian is supported by all sides and all military factories switch to production of combat robots.

 

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Commie Battle droids march on Red Square before being sended to Eastern Europe to fight Replicas and superheroes that invaded European country

 

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   In few short scenes movie shows us how Replica forces were defeated by commie robots, and now wonder woman is hiding from steel machines that want nothing but her being dead.

 

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Communist robots hunting down main tight suit wearing super villian, defended by group of Replicas 

 

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   In last scene of the movie Siberian robots managed to cut wonderwoman from her escape and now they are assaulting building, where she tried to hide. 

 

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   Wonder woman was quickly killed upon her being spotted by robots, as no amount of armored bikinies can stop bullets. Movie ends with a Commie robot shown fighting in US, hinting future movie about death of Superman. It is like those movie makers wanted to say that only Commies can clean America from superheroes invasion!

 

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  • 1 year later...

Ant Man and the WASP

 

 

This movie isn't anything groundbreaking, and honestly the anti-classist themes seem outdated.  But it was a fun watch and I enjoyed it anyway.

Ant Man and the WASP is basically a gender-inverted, Americanized My Fair Lady.  It's a musical rom-com about a blue-blood, high society woman who falls for a pest exterminator.  I think that, in this era of increasingly polarized American society, this sort of goofy love story is just the treat.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Fanney Khan

 

Image result for Fanney Khan

 

Fanney Khan is a pretty simple action/drama movie. A young Mongolian/American woman with an interest in history discovers as a result of the intervention of an old, wise mentor character that she is the last living descendant of the Genghisid dynasty. She travels to the Kashmir region, and settles the India/Pakistan dispute by declaring the Kashmirid Khanate as an independent state. The locals are fully supportive of our protagonist, as they are allowed to live in peace under an iron-fisted, but fair Khatun. 

 

When world leaders (all obligatorily portrayed as evil, old men) discover this, they conspire to destroy the brutal authoritarian state utopia that exists in Kashmir.  The Khanate then invades the extremely aggravated nation of Pakistan, and succeeds against all odds as a result of Fabian tactics. The population is subjected to normal nomads-invading-settled-people assimilation tactics, slaughtering the men and absorbing the women and children, you know, normal stuff. After executing the high-ranking government officials, the new conquest is stabilized. They proceed by annihilating the Taliban and conquering Afghanistan, again, with much brutality.

 

The Knanate's next move is to invade Iran, and with support from the Kurds and other Iranian heretics and persecuted minorities, they succeed in a dramatic scene that concludes the siege of Tehran. This move alienates Russia, who condemn the Khanate, but the brutal and fast conquest of Iran attracts the attention of the Saudis, who decide to send considerable amounts of money in support. Our heroine then invades Iraq and Syria, clearing those countries out quickly with her experienced and loyal army, aided by the allegiance of the Kurds whose independence she guaranteed in an autonomous Kurdistan province. By invading Assad-controlled Syria, our hubris-ridden hero officially poked the bear, and Putin declares war. The two armies meet on the battlefield of Idlib province, strangely accompanied by the two heads of state. It is then revealed that Fanny Khan and Putin secretly agreed to engage in single combat to resolve the war. The movie ends in a climactic Dune-esque scene where our protagonist kills her opponent, and is then declared Khan of Khans and finally brings peace to the Middle East by destroying the Sykes-Picot borders of her imperial provinces and sensibly re-arranging them.

 

And the whole time, Trump watched all of it on his giant evil White House surveillance screen.

 

 

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  • 1 year later...

   Stars Wars story: Rogue Juan.

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   Star Wars: Rogue Juan is bold new movie showing grim reality of Mexican immigrants trying to sneak through the border of Space Unite Stats. In the movie white males understood that walls don't work, so they decided to send United States into space and surround it will walls from every direction, thus creating sphere, which is called a Death Star. A white male (wearing white clothes) is building new space station and plans to arm it with giant space laser to insure dominance of patriarchy.

   One group of very diverse heroes (Indians, Mexicans, Asians, Afro-Spacians) lead by strong and independent woman now need to team up in very original story of rebels taking down Imperial giant super weapon, where a black guy dies first, secondary characters dies later and only main character and her love interest survive long enough to see results, later to be killed because movie is grim and realistic.

   Rogue Juan brings a lot of moral question about building giant space laser-firing space stations, sending countries to the space and isolating it from the rest of people by spheres, white man oppression of aliens such as Mexicans and Indians, destruction of Muslim cultural artifacts like Al-Jedi town and many others. 

 

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