Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen

[Collimatrix]

Usually, reviewers see the movies they are reviewing.  I am too busy.

 

 

Avengers: Age of Ultron

 

This film is a re-imagining of the 1960s British spy-fi TV series.  In this gritty, noir take on the setting, an aged John Steed (Patrick Stewart) and Emma Peel (Judy Dench) have to contend with the looming specter of funding cuts and privatization.  Crass, commercial mega-corporation RonCo, headed by professional wrestler Ultimate Ron, have made a bid to buy up their agency.

 

This is a touching, poignant film with serious reflections on the role of the elderly in society.  In a refreshing departure from contemporary practice, the film had a completely satisfying finale that also completely obviates any speculation of a sequel.

[Walter_Sobchak]

Battlefield Earth

 

John Travolta sticks tubes up his nose and wastes two hours of your time.  

[Collimatrix]

Ah, but I have seen Battlefield Earth.

 

And now I must con you into seeing it as well, so that you may share my pain.

[Donward]

 

 

In a world gone mad, where a single state holds an entire country captive because of a demographic time bomb of 38 million passive aggressive jerks who don't know how to drive or vaccinate their children, they said all hope was lost. Until a single continental transform fault forming a tectonic boundary between the Pacific Plate and North American Plate with a right-lateral strike-slip motion said "No more".

 

San Andreas. The romantic comedy we've been waiting decades to see. And Superman isn't coming to save your sorry asses this time either.

 

Californians. You've artificially driven up property and rental prices in Portland and you've transformed the scenic vistas of Colorado into a gaudy strip mall and now you want to steal water from Washington state. But guess what? Mother nature has something else in store for you. 

 

Fuck you Californians! Do you like the taste of water? I've got some water for you! Glub-glub! Glub-glub!

[Donward]

In a world gone mad, this is what it has come to. The rebooting of every single movie franchise, whether they need to be remade or not. In an industry where Mel Gibson is too fucking crazy to play his signature role of Mad Max and where movie pacing, character development and practical effects has been replaced by CGI-special-effect-Kerplowy-HOLYCOW-HOW-MANY-EXPLOSIONS-CAR-FLIPS-ELEVENTY-THOUSAND-FOOT-HIGH-MOUNTAINS-CAN-YOU-PUT-INTO-A-MOVIE-WHAT-IS-THIS-IS-EVERYONE-TRYING-TO-OUT-DO-PETER-jACKSON-WITH-PROLONGED-CHASE-SCENES-THAT-RESULT-IN-THE-DEATHS-OF-HUNDREDS-OF-NAMELESS-BADGUY-ORCS-HENCHMENT-I-MEAN-YOU'D-THINK-AFTER-THE-FIRST-100-OR-SO-BADDIES-DIED-THE-REAST-WOULD-SAY-"FUCK-IT"-YOU-GET-THE-SEXY-CHASTITY-BELT-WEARING-SUPERMODELS-WHO-SOMEHOW-STILL-HAVE-ACCESS-TO-BEAUTY-AND-SKIN-CARE-PRODUCTS-IN-A-POST-APOCALYPTIC-WORLD!!!!!!!

 

 

Watch as this trailer literally incorporates every single scene from the previous three movies including having a god damn chainsaw like "Beyond Thunderdome".

 

Watch the triumphant return to the big screen of the Gremlin from the 1983 Twilight Zone: The Movie who plays the Humungus! Wait? He doesn't play the Humungus? Well fuck you, then why is there a car chase involving a semi-truck trailer with a victim perched to the front of the Humungus' car?

 

Watch as Mad Max fights the Australian pole vault team who use their pole vault skills to pole vault from vehicle to vehicle because that completely fucking making sense. I mean, where the hell do they get the poles? They live in a tree-less desert? 

 

Watch as Mad Don completely loses his fucking mind after watching the trailer to this reboot? Sequel? What the fuck is it? Either way, I know I'm going to watch it because its Mad Max and I've grown up watching this series, multiple times. Watch as Mad Don ignores the advice of Lord Humungus by not walking away.

 

Mad Max: Fury Road. I still bet the first three movies are better.

 

 

 

[T___A]

Jurassic World

 

An Autistic boy tries to rationalize his parent's divorce by playing with dinosaur toys while staying at his aunt's house.

 

[Khand-e]

 

Jacob is a soldier drafted in the Vietnam war, the world starts turning upside down and off the fringes for him, all seems lost, when the horrible truth is revealed to him.

 

He was never actually in Vietnam, but is some worthless hippie protester having a bad PCP trip in a peace and love circlejerk session, realizing he and his type will bring only regression to humankind, he goes out by destroying the commune with a pipe bomb, redeeming himself and dying a hero in the end.

 

A true tale of self realization and that all people have some good in them.

[Tied]

oh man oh man have i been waiting for this

 

After stomping over LITERALLY THE ENTIRE WORLD the Warsaw Pact sets its sights on America. Initial air strikes and airborne infantry insertions prove as devastating as the Sweeping tank attacks and naval landings by the Soviet Union and its Fraternal Socialist allies. The command control structure along with all major assets of the remaining HATO forces are decisively destroyed in the America's. It is up to an army of untrained teenagers to perform human wave after human wave attack on Warsaw Pact forces while what remains of the American government draws up favorable surrender terms. 

[T___A]

Actually none of the Warsaw pact members proper declared war on the US, so it's just the USSR and some bumbfuck central Americans to go along with.

[Priory_of_Sion]

Red Dawn(2012): Best Korea finally unleashes its full might and conquers all the lands. Pacific Ocean dries up and Best Korea advances over the dried ocean floor. The U.S. Is under occupation and mighty Thor and some republicans get some guns but are terrible with them. They are killed, obviously.

[Tied]

In a world gone mad, this is what it has come to. The rebooting of every single movie franchise, whether they need to be remade or not. In an industry where Mel Gibson is too fucking crazy to play his signature role of Mad Max and where movie pacing, character development and practical effects has been replaced by CGI-special-effect-Kerplowy-HOLYCOW-HOW-MANY-EXPLOSIONS-CAR-FLIPS-ELEVENTY-THOUSAND-FOOT-HIGH-MOUNTAINS-CAN-YOU-PUT-INTO-A-MOVIE-WHAT-IS-THIS-IS-EVERYONE-TRYING-TO-OUT-DO-PETER-jACKSON-WITH-PROLONGED-CHASE-SCENES-THAT-RESULT-IN-THE-DEATHS-OF-HUNDREDS-OF-NAMELESS-BADGUY-ORCS-HENCHMENT-I-MEAN-YOU'D-THINK-AFTER-THE-FIRST-100-OR-SO-BADDIES-DIED-THE-REAST-WOULD-SAY-"FUCK-IT"-YOU-GET-THE-SEXY-CHASTITY-BELT-WEARING-SUPERMODELS-WHO-SOMEHOW-STILL-HAVE-ACCESS-TO-BEAUTY-AND-SKIN-CARE-PRODUCTS-IN-A-POST-APOCALYPTIC-WORLD!!!!!!!

 

 

Watch as this trailer literally incorporates every single scene from the previous three movies including having a god damn chainsaw like "Beyond Thunderdome".

 

 

 

I hate to interrupt you in your anti-hollywood wankfest but from what i heard Mad Max uses ALOT of practical effects, like half the stuff in the movie is a practical effect 

[Donward]

Yes but the trailers sucked and this thread is movies I haven't seen. Which still applies to me. And so help me if the new Max flick does sick I will descend on you like an eagle on a lemming

[Collimatrix]

Suicide Squad:

 

Did we really need a movie about these goofy guys at the end of Life of Brian?

 

https://youtu.be/tRJlo2WRDbw?t=4m44s

 

But after Spamalot, did you really think that Eric Idle was going to leave the Python legacy alone until he'd sucked every penny from it he could?  No, no you did not.

[LoooSeR]

 

Everybody should see this anime.

[Tied]

 

Everybody should see this anime.

[Collimatrix]

Ant Man:

 

Ant Man is the long-awaited sequel to that widely popular feel-good family film of 2009, Harry Brown.  However, while Harry Brown was cheery and upbeat, Ant Man is a far moodier, depressing piece.

 

The title is a reference to the delusional parasitosis suffered by amphetamine users, and there is of course drug use a-plenty in this film.  The plot is largely based on Eugene Ionesco's play The Night of the Iguana; a heavy-handed allegory about existentialism and the spread of fascism wherein all the inhabitants of a town seem to spontaneously turn into iguanas.  I don't think I'm spoiling anything to say that the film ends with the main character on top of a building, looking over a sea of chavs shambling towards him John Romero style.

 

The film ends with an excerpt from C.S. Lewis' Cliche Came out of its Cage:

 

 

 

Fortified Midgard, lies encircled by the ravening Worm. 
Over its icy bastions faces of giant and troll 
Look in, ready to invade it. The Wolf, admittedly, is bound; 
But the bond will break, the Beast run free. The weary gods, 
Scarred with old wounds the one-eyed Odin, Tyr who has lost a hand, 
Will limp to their stations for the Last defence. Make it your hope 
To be counted worthy on that day to stand beside them; 
For the end of man is to partake of their defeat and die 
His second, final death in good company. The stupid, strong 
Unteachable monsters are certain to be victorious at last, 
And every man of decent blood is on the losing side. 
Take as your model the tall women with yellow hair in plaits 
Who walked back into burning houses to die with men, 
Or him who as the death spear entered into his vitals 
Made critical comments on its workmanship and aim.

 

A major point of Ionesco's play was the lustful vitality of iguana-fascism, which ultimately seduces Daisy.  As you might well imagine, Ant Man is unflinching and realistic in its depiction of the sordid, sad sexual liasons of prole filth.  But why is it so appealing?  Why do upper and middle class children get tattoos and play at being thugs?  Why should the social betters of peasant scum aspire to be peasant scum?  Is the whole world turned upside down and inside out?

 

The audience and Berenger can only wonder, astonished, as the chavs rally once more to charge the barricades.  What rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

 

I am floored by this, Theodore Dalrymple's directoral debut, and eagerly await his next project.

[Toxn]

Minions:

 

A searing indictment of the underground sadomasochistic sex scene in New York, this drama deserves to be watched but is almost impossible to enjoy. 

 

The plot is a loose-spun thing following the lives of three underage professional subs as they are drawn, each in their own way, into the maelstrom of depravity and violence that characterised the pre-2008 sex underground of the city. Each is, in his own way, on the run from their past and hopeful for a better future. As they are to discover, however, there are pitfalls and predators aplenty in the greed-soaked streets. From there the plot unfolds like something out of a nightmare or particularly cruel folk story, a surreal dream which seems designed to strike directly at the views through the characters they are forced to empathise with.

 

Each of the three main characters (Robert, Stephan and Carlos - although you'd have to watch the credits to even spot this detail) have their own stories woven into the film by means of divergent stylistic elements: hypersaturated colour aping early technicolour films, a chiaroscuro style in over-contrasting black-and-white, and hand-drawn animation. These elements, which were used to such dramatic effect in the trailers, do unfortunately bog down the already bloated plot by making the visual narrative incoherent at times. However, when they do all come together (in a scene which I simply refuse to spoil but which every theatre goer will recognise on sight) the effect is astounding. A stirring score by James Horner (his last and left deliberately unfinished) certainly adds to the emotional gut-punch of the climax.

 

Overall, the film is sometimes artless in its references and homages. It is also, as mentioned, strangely paced and often incoherent. But the story and characterisation, along with superb performances by Steve Coogan, Pierre Coffin, Michael Keaton and Sandra Bullock (whose scene-stealing cameo deserves, again, not to be spoiled) lift it from the mire. If you can stick through it to the end, this film will then reward you by breaking your heart.

[LoooSeR]

I didn't saw this movie, so let Nostalgia Critic do that for me.

[Sturgeon]

The existence of that film warms the cockles of my heart.

[LoooSeR]

Prepare for all those new interesting movies that we will not watch... and review. 

[LoooSeR]

Pixels... i had to do that...

[Priory_of_Sion]

Mission Impossible: Rouge Nation

 

A film adaptation of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, it sees Will and Carlton struggle to find their way on a journey to the library. On their trip, they take a wrong turn in Albuquerque and end up in the back of a pawn shop, not unlike that scene in Pulp Fiction. Carlton is brutally raped and eventually dies as we see his spirit being dragged down to hell by various demonic entities. Will escapes after a musical number(9/10 rating for the song). Will then presses on to the library after fighting off several cripples in a fight scene that happens in slow motion. Will then returns his book that was overdue, only to learn that he went to the wrong library and that he was in Burma the entire time, which is why it was called Rogue Nation. 

[Sturgeon]

Wrong thread, Priory.

[Priory_of_Sion]

What was the movie that you didn't see? 

[Donward]

Since everyone is excited and talking about it, here is my review of the upcoming movie Deadpool.

 

In the last installment of the Dirty Harry franchise, Inspector Callahan investigates a series of celebrity murders which are tied to a game guessing which celebrity will die next. Little does he know, Dirty Harry is on the list and is in the sights of a serial killer who aims to check him off.

 

Along the way, Callahan is attacked by mobsters, the liberal media and is forced to outrun a bomb-laden remote control car all while enduring the acting quality Patricia Clarkson, the love interest in the film.

 

Amazingly, this film also features Liam Neeson and Jim Carrey the rocker Johnny Squares (a slightly less-strung out Axl Rose).

 

Somewhere along the way the ubiquitous Smith and Wesson Model 29 .44 Magnum is traded in by Dirty Harry in exchange for a harpoon gun where he dispatches the villain while uttering the unforgettable line "You're Shit Out of Luck".

 

Truly a cinematic tour de force and one that I would recommend to any viewer.

 

Sadly, the services of Albert Popwell weren't utilized which is the only drawback to the film.